My son hates church. At least he seems to. The sound system upsets him, he can’t read the words on the screen, the teaching is confusing, he finds it hard to concentrate, to sit still, to listen. He struggles to make friends and he can’t bear craft. All this means that within 20 minutes at church Mikey is usually begging to leave.
Mikey is six and has Down’s syndrome and Autism. Church can be miserable for him. We have a lovely team of people who work incredibly hard to help Mikey have a happy time at church and Sunday club, but we are thrilled if he manages three minutes in the kids’ programme.
The thing is, church can be miserable for us too. Mikey’s experience directly affects how Dave and I experience church. When Mikey struggles with church, we struggle with church. When Mikey needs to leave, one of us needs to leave. When Mikey isolates himself we are isolated too.
In the last two years Dave and I have listened to five ‘live’ sermons between us (whoever isn’t with Mikey has, until recently, been with our toddler in creche). Dave has gone from being the church youth minister to a person who barely makes it to church.
It’s my longing as a mum to see my kids discover Jesus. I love Jesus and I want my children to love him too. I am so grateful to the people who work extra hard to help Mikey get to know the God who knows him so perfectly. It’s an incredible ministry and it encourages us so much. But there’s a ministry that’s easily forgotten - how do churches ensure the spiritual survival of parents of children with additional needs?
Parents of kids who have additional needs are a fragile lot! They may not get a full night’s sleep. Ever. They are statistically more likely to experience mental health difficulties, relationship strain and financial trouble. Parents of children with additional needs are sleepy, stressed and stretched.
It’s hard to keep going as a Christian if you rarely hear a sermon, pray or sing with your church family. It’s hard to maintain your walk with God when you’re too tired to think. It’s hard to feel part of things if you always miss the notices or chats over coffee. It’s hard to serve your church family when you barely see them.
Just as Mikey’s experience of church impacts ours, our spiritual health affects his. Mikey’s experience of church depends on us getting him there each week. His day-to-day spiritual growth depends on ours. An effective ministry to young people with additional needs requires their parents to be well supported and encouraged.
Mikey isn’t the only one in our family with additional needs. The impact of his disability makes us all more needy. Many churches are wonderfully ready to provide extra support to children with additional needs, but I wonder: how many churches are equipped to care well for their families too?
Alice Buckley is married to Dave and has three children. She lives in Lancashire, drinks a lot of tea and blogs at playontheword.com.
