Supporting a child through a bereavement can be daunting. However, there are some simple but effective ways in which we can minister to the thousands of children finding themselves in this all too painful and isolating situation. The first thing is simply be present. Many of us know the feeling of life becoming somewhat uneven after a bereavement, and that’s with us understanding what’s happening. Imagine being a child, excluded from decision making, only understanding what people choose to explain. How much more will life feel like it’s been turned upside-down? The continuity of an established relationship with a children’s worker can be so valuable to a grieving child; you can be that constant, reassuring presence for them.
It’s OK not to have the answers. Bereavement causes huge questions, even in the very young and it can feel necessary to give answers. But there may never be an answer this side of eternity. Hearing a trusted grown-up say, ‘I’m really sorry, but I don’t know why this happened,’ could become one of the most useful things in a child’s grieving toolbox, giving them the freedom to make their own peace with those unknown answers. Writing down all those big questions together could be useful in addressing the idea of it being ‘OK’ to not have the answers.
The other thing is to get creative. There are many ways that a child may choose to express their grief. They might be a talker, painter, crafter, runner, player or contemplator. Any of these can become an expression of grief. From making ‘important day’ calendars, to running some of the bad feelings out, to compiling memory boxes, to working out difficult memories with toys; ideas like this can help children take the lead on expressing their grief.
40,000 children every year are facing one of the most painful life events that can happen, before the age of 16. We need to be ready.
Lex Bradley is assistant chaplain at Berkhamsted School and has written a book on childhood bereavement
