How To

How to Survive Festivals

Six useful tips for surviving festival season, including why you might want to avoid Pot Noodles...and the curse of the sweaty onesie.

1. Phone charging

Phone charging at festivals

You may think that when arriving on site, the first thing you need to do is put up your tent. You’d be wrong. It is vital, VITAL, to find the best, quietest and most convenient place to charge your phone. Charm the people on stands or put up fake ‘cleaning’ signs at toilets - do whatever is necessary to secure that battery life.

2. Avoid pop-up tents

Pop-up tent

Here’s what they didn’t tell you about pop-up tents: they have a mind of their own. The moment that zip on the bag is open the canvas monster bursts into life, attacking the limbs and eyes of anyone nearby. And that’s the easy bit! Taming the beast back into its cave is a far more delicate manner. One flap or pole out of place and you’re back to square one; moves must be meticulously planned and carried out - like a martial arts master - to charm it back into its canvassey cocoon.

3. Sweaty Onesies

Sweaty Onesie

So you’ve brought a onesie with you. Be warned - after a day or two it will start to hum a little bit. By day three you can expect people to start spraying you with deodorant, and by day four you’ll have a surprising amount of room in the big top, as no one will dare to come within ten feet of you. By the fifth day you’ll be removed by the chemical waste team who have come to clean the portaloos.

4. A dream team is a clean team

Wet Wipes

Staying clean at festivals is critical if you want to have any friends or dignity left by the end the week. The simplest way to do this can be summed up in just two words: baby wipes. There is nothing that cannot be cleaned with baby wipes. While we’re at it – shower etiquette. The shower cubicles are not for doing your hair and makeup. We’re looking at you, fellas.

5. Charge people for hugs

Deluxe hugs for sale

We’ve all seen people offering free hugs, but who is paying for hugs? Is this a thing? If not, free hugs are a lie, because all hugs are free! It would be like offering free oxygen to people in the street. We suggest charging people for hugs. Ten pence for a warm embrace on a chilly evening? It could catch on.

6. Food


Here’s a nutritional fact: man cannot live on Pot Noodles alone. It might feel good, but after a few days of rehydrated snacks you’ll notice vital bodily functions start to shut down. At some point, eat some real food. Something that can’t be made by microwaving or being covered in boiling water. You’re on a campsite, not in outer space.

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