Conversation or monitoring - which is the right approach?

It’s almost as if they’ve been reading my book! In this, as always, I am keen to emphasise that recognising the bene­fits of the digital space – which includes understanding how to use parts of it, and addressing fears about technology – can help people use it more constructively. This is summarised at the end of the book with this quote from Will Taylor, a communica­tions specialist and dad, ‘Do it for them; do it with them; watch while they do it; and let them do it for themselves.’

The most powerful tool in the toolbox for parents and youth workers with regards to technology is communication. The more trustworthy the people that young people have to confide in are, the less likely it is that they will turn to strangers for advice. So how do parents ensure that they come to them for the support required? It is all down to communication.

If parents decide they do need to ‘mon­itor’ their child’s internet activity, or get a youth worker to do so, it is much more helpful to do this openly and in conversa­tion with the child. Undercover ‘spying’ was defined by Linda Blair (author of The Happy Child) as ‘incredibly damaging to the trust required for effective commu­nication with a child’. If you have agreed to monitor, look at the stats together, and don’t assume the worst if they’ve clicked on a porn site for example, instead allow them the opportunity to say if anything has made them uncomfortable. Make it a nor­mal part of everyday conversation to ask them what they’ve seen online, and encour­age them to share both what excites them and what worries them. Concentrate on developing positive behaviour, rather than focusing only on undesirable behaviour. Ensure young people realise that you sim­ply want to understand the spaces they are in, encourage them to be responsible and help them understand that there’s good material online.  

In the same way as you are beside chil­dren and young people when they learn to crawl, walk, and ride a bike, you have to teach them to respect the digital envi­ronment, look for the opportunities, and be aware of the potential dangers. Talk to them about what they are seeing and expe­riencing, give them freedom within bound­aries as you would in any other space, get to know who they are friends with online, discuss costs and timing (and not just when these become a problem), define conse­quences, and consider particular scenarios and how they might react.     

The more you can be the person that young people want to confide in, the less likely that they will turn to strangers for advice, or start self-harming because they feel they haven’t been listened to. If they know more than you, allow them to guide your adventures!