Alone in a room full of people

People in the church are often lovely and friendly as a default, making it hard to work out who our closer friends might be. Unspoken expectations often loom under the surface and only present themselves at the last minute, making them unexpected and hard to deal with. Our work can be a bit like an iceberg; most of it is unseen and underwater. Being a youth worker can often be a lonely place…

I can remember it like it was yesterday: my first day as a youth worker. I was full time and paid to be a Christian – the sweetest of deals! I didn’t sleep much the night before. When the morning came I worked my way into the centre of the town where our church was via a well-known coffee shop. My mind was filled with excitement as I reflected on the ‘youth worker lifestyle’ as it had been portrayed to me by Jesse, the youth pastor at a church in Seattle where I was an intern. Jesse’ office was always a complete mess, but that didn’t seem to deter people. There were always older members of the youth contingent dropping in for chats or other members of the staff team stopping by to discuss last Sunday’s service, or this coming Sunday’s sermon. That’s if he was in his office at all: often he would be out, having a coffee with one of his volunteers, being invited into a school to run a lunch club, or collecting vast quantities of sugar-filled drinks for that Friday’s drop-in. It seemed an exciting life being a youth worker (or youth pastor as they were more popularly known in the US). It was a lifestyle that I was looking forward to experiencing.

When I arrived at our church the doors were locked. Unlike Jesse’s church, this was a smaller ‘downtown’ affair. After a few knocks, the church administrator, Jeanine, let me in. I was shown to my office which was a small room (more like a cupboard) to the left of the choir stalls at the back of the church. There was no phone, no computer and no desk light. The church had never had a youth worker before on account of how expensive they were. A combination of homegrown young people (who had grown up in the church) and a partnership deal, offered by a large parachurch organisation, allowed them to employ me. To say that I felt alone would have been an understatement. After the excitement of residentials and the busy ministry I had experienced as in intern with Jesse, this was a considerable comedown.

But I understood that this was to be expected. I started to work on a community profile for the new area that I had come to… Not long after I had put pen to paper, an elegantly dressed middle-aged woman burst into my cupboard-cum-office.

‘Pastor!’ she said, and I turned around to look at the backdoor in my office, but no, the church leader hadn’t come in. ‘Pastor, I’m so glad you’re in.’ It turned out she was talking to me! ‘Jeanine told me that Frank [the senior pastor] wasn’t available but that the other pastor had just arrived.’ At this point, I could see she was upset and close to tears. I wasn’t, strictly speaking, a pastor (but I liked the title), I was also pretty sure that dealing with this kind of distress wasn’t in my job description – but, as a Christian, I should lend a listening ear, shouldn’t I?

My eyes darted around the room and rested on what I was looking for – a box of tissues... Half a box of tissues and a long story later, the woman thanked me profusely, got up and left. I had been sitting there for nearly two hours, I had hardly said a word and I felt exhausted. I walked in a daze to the front of the church. Jeanine had already left for the day. After an exhausting couple of hours in the first day of a new job, the church was empty. I was alone.

Unexpected interactions at moments when we are feeling vulnerable that draw us in a completely different direction from the one we were (or were planning on) travelling that day can turn us around, leave us sometimes literally dizzy and ultimately feeling isolated and alone, even if we are in a room full of people. I want to look at four factors that can contribute to this scenario, and isolation in general, and suggest a few ideas that might help.

The paradigm of the junior leader

As a youth worker I was a leader in the church, but the danger of overstepping my responsibilities was huge. It always started with good intentions – wanting to do a more complete job, or not wanting to bother my boss with an issue. In taking that step I was taking responsibility that I didn’t have authority for. I did it on that first day on the job with the lady that burst into my office. I took responsibility (in my heart) for her pastoral care, care I did not have the authority to provide. I needed to listen to her, but I should have looked for the first opportunity to put a date in the diary for her to talk to the senior pastor rather than take it on myself.

Maverick was well-named in Top Gun and the chastisement, ‘Son, your ego’s writing cheques your body can’t cash,’ can be a cautionary tale. While taking responsibility without authority can often seem to have positive outcomes – getting the job done, going above and beyond, serving the Lord with all you have – it can lead us to a place where we are bereft of support and out of our depth.

We are absolutely all minsters of God’s grace, a big role to be sure, but let’s not forget the first time our God started dishing out the rules and the roles for worship. You don’t need to read all of Leviticus, but cast your eye over it and take some time to note how specific God is about who does what. Of course we are all ministers, but a good, clear understanding of what we are minsters of, who we are minsters for, and who we are ministering to is a really helpful first step to keeping us away from being alone in the deep end and towards being around those that are there to help and support us.

Other people’s expectations

I’m a people pleaser and while there isn’t anything inherently wrong with that, it can lead to some pretty lonely places. Managing the expectations of others is a challenge we all face. Whether you set out to meet the expectations of those you are working for, those you are working with or those that are working for you, there will always be gaps and unknowns to deal with. Working to fulfil the reasonable expectations of others sounds like a good and sensible place to start, but we can soon find ourselves wrestling with unspoken and unrealistic expectations. Sometimes we can even be presented with clear and reasonable expectations that we know, for one reason or another, we just can’t fulfil.

The key here is to be proactive rather than reactive. There is no doubt that people will rapidly develop expectations of us the minute we step into any leadership role, so take every opportunity to express to those around you what they can expect of you and why.

There are lots of different ways to make sure you are communicating your strengths and limitations effectively, and many will be specific to who you are and who you are working with. Here are a couple of tips to get started:

• Keep an eye on your job description. You are likely to find yourself doing all sorts of things in your role, some you’ll enjoy more than others. If you find that you are doing something a little different from how the job started out, there’s no need to get disheartened or defensive. Take a moment to talk to your line manager or church leader and ask if you can review your job description the next time you meet.

• How you manage yourself in meetings is another key area you can be proactive in. When you attend meetings, make sure you have already worked out what you want to say and what sort of reaction you would like to get. Listening to what others have to say (even if it’s tough to hear) and repeating it back to them so that you can be sure you have understood them properly is also essential. Don’t ever feel rushed to give answers straight away in tricky spots – have a few stock phrases tucked away to help you out of a jam , such as ‘You’ve raised some interesting issues, let me think on this and get back to you - when would be a good time to meet up?’

• If you are always running around trying to fulfil everyone else’s expectations, it is very easy to lose sight of the things that bring you joy and give life to your ministry. It is well worth taking time to reflect on what it is that you absolutely love doing and the things that just drag you down. We all have work to do that we would rather not – this is not about avoiding it – but if you can be clear in your own mind about what brings life and what is just a slog you’ll find yourself much more able to avoid the lonely work of trying to keep everyone else happy and much more able to say ‘no’ from time to time.

Celebrating success

One of the things that can pass us by is the need to celebrate our successes. At first it may seem indulgent, un-Christian even. We’re working for God’s glory and not our own after all, right? In order to think about this I’d like to resurrect a word that I used at the start of this article: ego. Most times I hear the word ego it is not in a positive light, but our egos are neutral, and they need taking care of.

There is something extremely unhealthy about ignoring the fact that we need to hear ‘well done’ and that we need to have some sort of reward for doing well every now and then. In many cases we get a lot of reward from our roles, some of us will have a salary, hopefully we all have moments of joy and pride when things go well, but we need to keep an eye on those times when we are just doing our jobs really well and there’s no one around to say ‘well done’. It’s ok to say it to yourself, it’s ok to find a few people who know you well enough to say it to you, and it’s essential that you have a place where you can go where you are valued, appreciated, and loved. Not because you’re a great youth worker, or worship leader, or you’ve just run a fantastic residential but because you are made to celebrate, to be joyful, and because it is not good for us to be alone.

Self-awareness

The reality is this: we all face isolation in different ways. It could be work hours or days off which allow limited human interaction. We may feel in a youth ministry ghetto, cut off from the rest of the church. One key here can be to critically reflect on the ways we are isolated and be proactive in finding ways to combat these. Which other youth workers near you have the same day off? Can you meet up with them (without talking about youth ministry!)? Where is your spiritual support coming from? Where do you worship? Pinpointing exactly what makes us isolated is the first step in doing something about it. The reality is that an isolated youth minister is one who will be less fed, less motivated and less able to live up to this wonderful calling in all of its fullness.

There are lots of ways that we can feel isolated and alone in ministry but if we work to have a clear understanding of who we are and what we are here to do, if we look to see what elements of our ministry give us life and what elements take it away and if we have a few safe spaces where we know we will receive encouragement and advice, it can help us to realise that we don’t have to be alone in a room full of people.

Paul Reisbach is is diocesan youth advisor in Exeter.